I thought of texting you
"good morning, I can’t sleep"
and then I remembered
that you are on a journey
which I am not a part of
and that’s okay
I can’t sleep
I stared at the empty box and the full trash can and I thought, this is it. Maybe it’s finally time to close the book, to burn that bridge. I’ve waited for months to do this and today I had the courage to finally open the box and see everything I’ve tried to cover up and forget—the past.
It was what, 3 years? They were great I have to admit. So great that it took my breath away and my world went spinning on one person for that time span. They were really good and I regret nothing from it, even though they hurt so much to remember.
I thought, finally I can give myself the closure that I need. When you have loved something/someone more than you ever did, losing them was like losing a part of you. Losing a part of who you used to be. And that was the reason why the person who fell in love 3 years ago died, she’s gone now. She closed the door.
And that was the closure she ever needed.
Another place we went to last December was Chateu Royale, a rural resort in Nasugbu, Batangas. The place was superb and extremely huge. Sadly the weather wasn’t good that day so we didn’t really enjoy the amenities. Anyway, the resort reminded me of Thailand because of all the buddhas everywhere. There were lovely greenhouses all over the place with fresh veggies and we slept on a quaint cottage which reminded me of country homes. I’d love to live in a home like that someday. The cushions were comfy and it made sleeping really comfortable! Morning walks were what I enjoyed most in the place though the weather was really cold (and nobody was there to hug me). Everyone got sick after the trip because we swam on the freezing pool with no hot showers. But everyone had fun despite all that happened.
This blog has been my home for four years already and leaving this blog would be very devastating for me. But don’t worry I’m not leaving -yet- but I’m thinking between that or just deleting everything else that I don’t want to go back to in here and then try to revamp this blog with new memories and what-knots. I don’t know yet, I am very torn.
So, I’ve been backreading and deleting a few stuff when I stumbled upon post after post which triggered so many emotions that I don’t dare want to remember. Somehow I thought drowning myself with new happy memories would just help to me forget everything else in a snap but now I know that it doesn’t and it wouldn’t.
Maybe because I haven’t been down to memory lane at all that’s why this happened. Also, I finished reading this book a beautiful disaster which really reminded me of so many things and has triggered so many fucked-up emotions that I don’t want at all. I hate the fact that I wept after reading the novel despite it’s happy ending and the fact that once again I had just wept after reading a few posts from the past. They were all so bittersweet and I don’t know how to handle such emotions. I’m not really good at this at all. I tried to talk it out to a friend (which I wouldn’t mention the name since I know a few people who would ask) and well it has helped a little but I’m still holding back and bottling the beast inside me so now I know that my mind is fucked-up. It’s a mess.
Wtf is happening to me it’s Christmas yet this day is so damn bad. Everything has turned upside down. You know, it’s ironic how sad I was when I started blogging in here then I found bliss for quite some time but now here I am again, back to being sad which made me end up to this— deleting this shitty blog so that once and for all everything is said and done.
I wanted to make this blog pretty much less personal, not like this where I’m blogging about how much of a loser I am. So still, it ends up in either of the two: me deleting this whole blog entirely and starting new OR just delete everything else that I don’t want to go back to and stay.
Hopefully by 2014 I have decided already. I am torn since this has been my home. This is where my heart resides.